A Short Film
INT- BEDROOM-NIGHT TIME
"Fucking shit god damn it!" Tyler exclaims as the pressure of time begins to press down on him. The knowledge that his story is due in tomorrow, and he has fuck all to hand in. Desperately, he grabs at a discarded Freddo packet. Tyler stares with great intent into the mind of the Freddo, in a ill thought out attempt for some last minute inspiration, as honest a try as it may have been, little Freddbert refuses to give up his secrets of being a well thought out character, with intricate emotional scarring and a developed love triangle, so emotionally taxing, that if anyone were to ever hear of the tale, they would break down immediately into tears, and would eventually die of dehydration. Angrily, Tyler throws the packaging at the wall on the opposite end of his room, only for it to gently flutter down to the carpeting besides his feet. He stares despondently at the packaging, contemplating what his life has become, wondering if he's finally been pushed over the edge by an empty Freddo packet. Deep in contemplation on the best way to end his own life, (not that it comes up again, but he did settle on a toaster in the bath, with a slightly pissy note, opening up on the failings of his own life, and the general disliking of his father, left on his desk.) Tyler fails to notice the lanky mid 18th century detective saunter in through his bedroom door. Gently grasping Tyler around the forehead with fingers spread apart, the detective yanks Tyler's head back, causing his eyelids to come away from their balls, this causes Tyler to let out a slight yelp of pain, followed rather quickly by a rather loud scream upon realising there's suddenly someone in his room and that they're offering a rather peculiar method of introduction, what with all the sneaking up on him and the eyelid stretching.
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Peering down at the now somewhat teary teenager, the detective offers up "A-hoy-hoy" to break the ice, this doesn't go over all that well with Tyler, who screams yet again and runs to the other side of the room and puts on a stance he once saw Bruce Lee do in a movie. I assure you, Bruce pulled it off far better than Tyler. A series of noises leave Tyler's mouth before he finally arrives at "Whothefuwhat, Why are you here?" it wasn't really what he was hoping for. With another attempt he gets out "Please don't murder me." Which doesn't really sound the best, but at least he got across one of his primary goals for the interaction with him and this strange British man.
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Regarding the room with a manic manner, its clear from the get go that the detective is clearly an avid fan of opioids.
"Good god, Tido. It seems we've wandered into the holy land of clues. We may even be able to make it back in time for the Aviator south western in time for their three thirty hour of haddock special."
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Tido stands by the door caressing Tyler's dresser and thumbing through his knitwear socks"Jolly good sir, we may even get a chance to share a jolly good goroveeting with the stewardess with the horror show groodi-" Tido appears to get lost in the eyes of Pingu the penguin on a pair of pink socks Tyler received as a child and is yet to throw out.
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"Dear Penelope... Tido, you're right, there's not time to lose, grab the evidence and lets run for it."
The pair immediately begin to pocket Tyler's possessions, stuffing everything from socks to bongs and a pocket dictionary. Feeling they have sufficient evidence, Tido snaps a pic of the great detective and they bolt for the door. Tyler rushes to stop them, questioning what they're doing, but the great detective smacks him across the cheek and sends him flying onto his bed shouting out
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"Official detective business, no need to concern yourself citizen. Confidential matter. Run Tido, run, Penelope is waiting on us!"
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Scrambling his way off the bed in pursuit of the pair he now suspected to be drug addled, well dressed burglers. However, upon sitting upright, he then noticed a furry midget playing the harmonica sitting on the edge of his bed. Feeling Tyler's movement on the bed, the creature which looked like it may have been a shaved Ewok turned and hissed, and after glaring its nubby teeth, offered a sharp high pitched toot on the harmonica. This, rather understandably took Tyler by horrific surprise, and deciding a pair of smack heads may have the necessary tools to fight the musical Endorian off, he scurried off out of his room, hearing a final violent toot at his expense as he slammed the door behind him.
INT-LIVING ROOM-NIGHT TIME
Tyler calls down the stairs as he half runs, half falls down them. "look, you can keep the dictionary, just keep that bloody thing away from me."
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He thinks himself lucky to catch them before they left, thankfully they decided that Penelope could wait another minute whilst they raid his mothers jewellery bowl. Resembling a pair of 40 year old female Mr Ts, the possible burglars make their way to leave the premise, thanking Tyler for being a helpful citizen of the colonies, and promising him a shiny halfpence for his troubles. Tylers worry of how he would explain the loss of jewellery to his mother quickly solved and then unsolved itself as the door swung open, knocking the themed robbers to the ground, where they were promptly beaten to a pulp by two scousers wielding cricket bats, comforted by the ceased twitching of muscles, the men curse at the puddle of chunks beneath them, high-five and declare another case justly closed.
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Brass: "Well, Tinny. Another one for the file o' 18th century themed, detective posing career criminals we've put away. The fact that he looks nothing like our file photo of the suspect is just further evidence to my excellence."
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Tin: "Aye, sir. I should say we did a bang up job on that one, ey Brasso?
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Brass: "Quite right, Tinny. I dare to say that I may in fact be the greatest detective to have ever lived. Now, to our payment."
Bending to loot the bodies. Tin discovers a rather fancy watch amongst Tido's possessions.
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Tin: "Whoar, Brasso, looka what I've got."
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Brass: "My, my that's quite a nice find Tinny. Though sadly, and it really does pain me to do this. But as your employer, I'm afraid we must get down to the Brass Tax side of the arrangement.
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Dejectedly, Tin hands over the watch.
Tin: "Course sir."
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Brass: "Fret not dear, Tinny. For I've found fitting payment in our fine fellow's trousers.
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Brass smiles politely as he drops the pennies and a button into Tin's outstretched hand.
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Brass: "Bit of a tip there for you too, for being such a good sport this case.
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Tin: "Aye, sir. Thank you, sir."
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Brass: "Right then, Tinny. Now to secure some company funding.""
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The pair skulk off in search of further riches.
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Tyler, somewhat unsure as to what he should do having just witnessed his first murder, and quite the murder at that, stands glued to his comfortable spot at the base foot of the stairs; quite sure that if he avoids moving, all of his problems will solve themselves and move out of the house. Of course, moments later, as Tin and Brass sniff curiously at the catnip they found in a drawer, a horde of trendy teenagers force their way through his home, chanting various halfslurs and nonsense of chickenmen.
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The trail of refuse left behind by the teenagers is what managed to snap Tyler out of his fear induced catatonic state, always the brit, he felt an intense urge to tidy up and politely ask them what they were doing barging through his home at quarter to one in the morning.
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Picking up a few cups and avoiding the used condom on his rug, Tyler makes his way out to the garden, muttering a heroic speech to himself, that he was sure would drive the undesired party goers from his home, and potentially win over a few of the fair maidens with how manly and tough he was aught to sound.
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EXT. TYLER'S GARDEN. NIGHT
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Stepping through the glass doors, left wide open by those passing through- a further irritation- Tyler notices the trail of wires protruding from his kitchen window, leading to the shed at the back of his cluttered garden, beams of light shining through the cracks in the wood, and a large, very noisy group gathered around it, likely making the neighbours hate Tyler more than they already did.
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Politely and timidly, Tyler pushes his way through the crowd of angry, edgy teenagers, making an effort to seem as mild mannered as possible to avoid being punched by one of the many tattooed men. After a few awkward moments, he manages to make his way to the makeshift stage, fashioned out of some children's play mats and bags of compost. Upon seeing the band that led the crowd of of teenagers to make a mess of his carpeting, he is struck by a slight confusion as to how the band managed to draw even a single deaf fan, as even from a glance the band was a clear shambles. The singer fumbled clumsily with his instrument, likely due to the chicken mask obscuring his view as well as the quality of his off key vocals. The drummer seemed to have the same ADD disorder as most drummers, but hadn't taken to using drink to remedy it like the rest, and bashed hastily around the pots, giving no clear time signature to the song. Meanwhile, the bassist appeared to be playing to some imaginary audience of his own, facing the back of the shed and shouting out with an extended hand to point to panels of wood, all the while, a makeshift lighting system of fairy lights flickered out of sync with the song.
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Tyler stood with his mouth agape at what had formed in his shed, seeing this tremendous display of failure somehow made the late night noise disturbance worse. And with a new found sense of embarrassment of what his neighbours may think of him, he shrugged off his polite demeanour. And strode up to the band will all intention of giving them a right stern talking to. This was of course forgotten about when Tyler made his way up to the singer and found himself to merely come up to his chest and that the chickenman did not react whatsoever to what Tyler had figured to be a rather threatening walk. The unwavering stare of the singer, mixed with the manic music and the jeering from the crowd, which now Tyler was unsure as to whether it was at the band's expense or his, kicked the nerves right out of him. And what was supposed to be a commanding demand, came out as a meek request. The surrounding laughter roared, causing Tyler to sink further into himself, wishing he too could hide behind a mask. Offering up one last request that the sound be turned down Tyler slipped away from the stage as the band played on, combating the ironic shouts of enjoyment from the crowd.
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EXT.PIRATE-SHIP.NIGHT TIME
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Making a big show to himself over how he did what anyone would have done, and gave it a damn good try. After all, its not often one finds themselves confronting a band that's decided to throw a show in ones own garden. His attempts to recuperate some lost self esteem are forgotten when he finds a band of pirates taking turns at being the captain of his mother's wooden pirate ship.
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The pirates appear to have split the pirate stereotypes between them as one has a hook, one a parrot, one that speaks entirely in 'arrgs' and one that bafflingly has two eye-patches. They are each however dressed rather flamboyantly, donning garments of glaring colours, befitting of a maritime cyclist. Whilst one acts as captain, the others hide within the depths of the 'deck'. This odd display serves as entertainment enough to cause Tyler to forget about his sulking, watching the group trade off roles giddily. That is until the one with the parrot calls out an invisible rock too late and the nonexistent collision causes him to fly off the boat and into oblivion. The sudden loss of their captain sends the remaining trio into a frenzy of mutinous screams of half arsed pirateering of the other and angry Args, resulting in a sudden three way bloody and brutal murder, which rather understandably puts a stand still on Tyler's good mood at the pirates behalf.
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It is at this point that a workplace injury lawyer appears before Tyler to take a witness statement from him.
Ted Nugent: Extending a hand in the most formal manner possible, the lawyer introduces himself.
"Theodore Nugent, no relation or affiliation to the singer, injury at work lawyer for all things maritime."
Tyler: "Uuuh, Tyler Clarke- student of... film... studies?"
TN: "Am I correct in assuming that you bore witness to this case of malicious brutalising with class C and H armaments?" (Cutlass and Hook)
Tyler moves to make an quizzical, yet still affirmative 'uuhhh' noise, but Nugent was a pro and knew waiting for Tyler to actually answer his questions would just slow the investigation down.
TN: "- So of course with this happening in your port, you shall be expected to pay the towing fee and take care of the funeral arrangements should the departed's next of kin be unavailable or estranged. I'll have my people send a letter in 2-3 working days detailing what your involvement is to entail."
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As Tyler stands with his mouth agape, the lawyer descends to the lower deck of the ship and out of sight. After a brief moment of contemplation, Tyler decides its probably best to ignore what he just saw, lest he get dragged into some lengthy court case that he can't really afford the energy or funds to be a part of. He just hoped that the incident happening in his back garden wouldn't affect him.
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INT. GROUND FLOOR ROOMS. NIGHT
Tyler carefully closes the sliding door behind himself as he enters the house, so distracted by the incident outside that he does not immediately notice the ensemble of drug addicts, armature detectives, quack doctors, a hippy drum circle, who's members take it in turns to sob through fake smiles, emo teenagers and a cowboy openly discussing the various key steps to creating a quality campfire stew to no one in particular. Seeming to accept that this was nothing more than either a rather strange dream he shall go onto tell his therapist about, or his mental state had deteriorated to the point that he would no longer require a therapist, and should simply enjoy the delusions, Tyler decided to take a seat by the least threatening member of the home invaders; the culinary cowboy.
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KITCHEN SIDE SHOT
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Off in the kitchen a man in a hospital gown can be seen slumped against the washing machine holding a pill bottle and one of the emo teenagers is hunched over the counter top drawing bad manga panels as a tall, colourfully dressed man talks to him.
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INT-LIVING ROOM- NIGHT
Situating himself next to the cowboy, the stetsonned man quickly seizes his opportunity for a captive audience and opens up enthusiastically about the contents of a quality stew.
CC:"Well now howdy, partner. Now I'd be damned if you ain't a beef n' onion gravy kind o guy."
Tyler: "What?-"
CC: "Hell I knew it, but I bet you've never had yourself a real beef stew. Not one o' them Preston whip-up deaks. Nah, what I'm talking about is braised beef, at least 5 hours, at least, now I tell you at least. You leave that baby in there another 5 hours and man, have you got a stew going. But, and listen close to this one feller, cause this ain't common speak around the campfires round this frontier, this be Zachariah's speciality.
Tyler: Nods and smiles politely
CC: "Y'see, the less experienced camp cooks ignore the veg and the gravy, but I say they're what make the stew. By caramelising your onions first, you bring out their natural sugars, which reall-"
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Scott, the formerly unseen junkie suddenly interrupts the cowboys lesson on gravy with demands for 'Mary'. Scott writhes his way around the side of the sofa, clawing at his face and yelling out that Mary returns to him his final cigarette. Scott attempts to snatch hold of Tyler's leg but fails to reach him, causing Tyler to recoil his legs and watch in horror as Scott begins to scream out for Mary and clawing at his face with such fury as to draw blood.
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The drum circle crowding the bottom of the stairs began to increase the intensity of their beat following the departure of Tin and Brass, who moments ago reappeared from the front garden, now wearing leis and offering them to members of the circle as a guise to steal their jewellery. Content with the contents of their tracksuit pockets, the pair offered up a brief courtesy and ran out the front door, grabbing a bongo on the way out a deftly skipping over the bodies of their earlier victims. The monotonous swell of the drum beat fills the living room, and the circle begins to cry more openly, with some members curling up in their own arms to sob.
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Garden-Night
The crowd appears to have dispersed from the shed and the music has stopped, though the flickering lights remain. In the brief moments of light, the illuminated bodies of the young teens can be spotted at various locations across the garden and the body of the singer can be seen hanging from the tree at the back of the garden. The garden is silent, and through the sliding door, Tyler can be seen shifting anxiously as the pounding beat of the drum begins to get to him. The lights in the kitchen and the other surrounding rooms have went out, leaving only the light in the living room.
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Living Room
Through the darkness the colourfully dressed man approaches Tyler. With a genial smile and the offer of a drink, the man has Tyler's attention immediately. A red hue takes over the room the moment the man breaks through the darkness, and everyone else in the house freezes in place, which due to Tyler's sudden infatuation with the man, he does not notice. Noticing the twitching junkie blocking his path to Tyler, the man kneels down and whispers something to Scott, who crawls around to the side of the sofa. The man then sends the cowboy away to make room for him to sit down next to Tyler, Zachariah wanders into the darkness and through to the unseen kitchen. Tyler gladly accepts the drink from the man and guzzles it down and is instantly handed another.
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Man: "Hey man, nice place you've got up here. Really is quite the crowd you've got over too, all manner of folk over. That a drum circle? But look at you, man all this and you right at the centre of it all. You not going to drink that? It's good."
Tyler: "Oh, yeah, sorry." Tyler laughs and drinks some more.
"It's Nice."
Man: "Told you" The man laughs. "Aught to help some too. All these interesting people and you're off on the sofa talking about- what was it, gravy?-" The man laughs again "Ah well, I suppose you never were really one for parties were you. Not like Scott here, he's got it all figured out, ain't that right, Scott? Oh, I just realised I never gave you another drink, can't leave you wanting."
Tyler: "Oh, no it's alright I don't really drink tha-"
Man: "Nonsense, come on its a party. It'll help you loosen up a little."
Tyler: Smiling "Oh alright, then, go on."
Man: "There you go, you'll be right as rain in no time, here, have a smoke too.
Tyler accepts without argument.
Man: Looking around the room. "Still seeing a few of the old friends about here. They still bugging you the same? Drink up man, come on, enjoy yourself a little." The man says with a smile. "You know you don't have to keep them around if you don't want to. You can just fix it. Ah don't look at me like that man, you know what I mean. Come on, its easy. Few more of those and it won't even be much of a thought. Wouldn'-
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Scott starts spluttering down by the side of the sofa, drawing the attention of Tyler away from the man. Leaning over the side, he see's Scott shaking with a belt around his arm and blood coming from his nose, his vacant eyes starting out at Tyler. Tyler jumps off the sofa and stares down at Scott who slowly stops convulsing, at which point Tyler notices the silence.
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Tyler: "What the fuck?" Tyler exclaims as he looks around the room, noticing that the others have ceased their peculiar actions, frozen in place.
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The floor is littered with empty cans and bottles, cigarette butts pepper the carpet. Tyler notes that a number of the silence from outside, glancing out at the garden and noticing the party-goers sprawled out across the garden in the flickers of light. Turning his attention to the living room, he notices that a number of those from the drum circle are laid out on the ground with pools of liquid spilling out from beneath them. Those remaining turn towards Tyler, drawing blades and slicing their wrists.
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Group: "It's easy, you'll see. It'll help." They calmly say before collapsing to the ground.
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The man makes his way from the sofa to Tyler, embracing him from behind.
Man: " Come on man, its not that bad. You've thought about it, you know it'd help. I cou-"
Pushing himself free from the man's grasp, Tyler finds himself in the centre of the deceased drum circle. [All those that had perished come to join the man (I DON'T LIKE THIS, as I feel like it detracts from the meaning of having parts of himself slowly killed off and isolating only the depression. However, having the joyous parts of oneself dwindled away and becoming just hollow memories could serve to further the apathetic feelings which add to the suicidal tendencies)] Perhaps it could be that the room flashes over to the filthy real world, showing that Tyler has been alone for some time, and the man could gesture that what is there to be gained from not doing it, that the only one to be hurt by this decision is himself, that it would only serve to help him alleviate his problems. Either way, the room should be seeming to close in on him (metaphorically speaking) and forcing him to put another moment of thought into the decision and the beckoning arms of the man, which will cause Tyler to flee upstairs.
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staring off at the man, who is smiling with welcoming arms outstretched. Tyler flees upstairs.
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INT-BEDROOM-NIGHTTIME
Hurrying inside the room, Tyler bolts the door behind himself. Turning at the sound of hushed giggling, Tyler notices that perched on the edge of his bed are five women, each laughing to themselves, though their eyes shine with malicious contempt. Tyler averts his eyes as the women glare at him, the mere sight of them is enough to atrophy his desire to flee, and accept the ineluctable point the man was making. Visibly defeated, the women, through mirthless smiles begin to deride Tyler for past actions. Teasing him about ways to make up for all his wrong doings, alluding to him ending it. (THIS IS MORE FOR ME) Currently I'm struggling to fill this part out. I had it the other night, but wasn't at this point so I didn't write it down. This is because I'm an idiot - though I may also simply lack the skills to write scenes adequately.
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INT-BATHROOM-NIGHT TIME
Desperately seeking refuge from his thoughts and the malign characters inhibiting his house, Tyler resigns to his bathroom. The dim lighting cast gloomy shadows along the walls. In the bath, an imitation Tyler sits crying, slicing his wrists with a razor. Lights flicker and fade as Tyler catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, seeing a haggered reflection. Cutting back to Tyler we see him wearing old, tattered clothing in the bathtub with water up to his neck holding a razor. Through the door, the colourful man can be heard.
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Man: "It won't take long. Once its done its done, you won't have to worry about anything anymore. You know this will be for the best, right?"
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The room darkens around Tyler as he contemplates what is to come. The screen goes black as we look on at Tyler, deep in contemplation.
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-Rewrite the last part as intended. The band is a shambles, nothing more than a pipe dream on show, with a jeering crowd. Though the band is unwavering in their malcrafted art. Tyler shares a silent moment with the primary artist. Perhaps respecting the pride in what is his, but nonetheless requires it turned down. Remove the input of a neighbour, merely imply it. This is after all, all simply in Tyler's head. And he is confronting his embodied hope in his shed as his anxiety drowns out the thought of pursuing his dreams.
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A barrage of young teens should push their way through the front door and out to the back, making a ruckus the full way through the house, being brushed aside by each of them, Tyler is only able to follow them through to the back garden after they've all made it out the house. He notices Scott writhing around on the sofa, desperately calling out to 'Mary' but decides to leave that situation alone.
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Making his way out the back door, he hears the teens chanting out the name 'Chickenhead' and notices the fluorescent lighting coming from his shed, and the long trail of wires leading from his house to the shed.
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Pushing his way past the concert goers, Tyler interrupts Chickenhead's performance of Tool's Schism, (or some edgy indie stuff). Tyler attempts to speak against Chicken Head himself, only for the band to keep playing as though he wasn't there. Its only when Tyler steps up onto the makeshift stage to discuss the dangers of noise complaints from the neighbours, that the band stops, aside from the bassist who keeps going on his own little musical tangent. After a prolonged intimidating staring match, accompanied by dread filled bass lines, Tyler backs down simply adding a small hand gesture to turn it down a smidgen as to not feel like he completely lost.
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Heading back to the house, trying to convince himself he won the argument a little because he felt the music was now quieter, despite it obviously being a tad louder, he notices a group of flamboyant pirates taking turn at being captain of the wooden pirate ship in his back garden, each one having a few seconds to shout out orders and directions as the others crouch beneath the deck built for children. Tyler stops to watch in bewilderment at the peculiar event, somewhat enjoying the show, up until they hit an imaginary rock, which sends one pirate overboard, and the others into a blood rage where they hack each other to death. At this point, a workplace injury lawyer arrives and advises Tyler to move along, before climbing aboard the vessel.
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Back inside the house, Scott can be seen crawling around the floor as Tin and Brass examine the sky box, in the kitchen a grown man is crying by the washing machine and someone dressed colourfully is talking to a teenager by the oven. A small sermon is being given by a fat teenager in an anime shirt by the stairs, not really wanting to interfere, Tyler takes a seat on the sofa next to a cowboy talking about the best campfire stews to no one in particular, that is at least until Tyler joins him.
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For a minute or so, Tyler begins to enjoy himself, sat chatting- well, mainly listening but still- with the culinary cowboy, he doesn't hear music peter out to nothing, or notice the lights begin to dim. It's only when the cowboy stops talking and stares through Tyler to something off in the dining room that Tyler realises the change of atmosphere across the house. Everyone has stopped talking, and a dark air has taken over the room, everyone in the living room is turned to face the dining room. Tyler strains to see what it is that's frozen everyone in place, but its too dark to make anything out, fear slowly takes Tyler. Cut to outside to show bodies hung from the trees and a number of corpses leaking out from the band's shed, focus on the house in the background where Tyler is visible through the glass doors.
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Through the darkness, the colourfully dressed man walks over to Tyler, offering a hand to Scott who is huddled down by the side of the sofa next to Tyler, after helping Scott and exchanging a quick work, the colourful man takes a seat next to Tyler, shooing away the cowboy who retreats to the kitchen. The colourful man offers Tyler a drink and lights up a cigarette, extending another to Tyler who accepts. The man opens up a playful dialogue, which has Tyler hanging on every word, and joins in happily. As this goes on, a number of the characters in the background walk out and as time goes on, those remaining begin to harm themselves, Scott begins to choke on vomit as he overdoses which drags Tyler away from his talk with the man, beginning to fret, the man attempts to calm Tyler by filling his cup and offering another cigarette, strangely comforted by the offer, Tyler does calm down a little, but Scott's continuing splutters divide his attention, which prevents the man from entirely taking control as he begins to talk of the peace that Scott now feels, and begins to encourage things of such nature. Tyler looks to Scott who has ceased moving, Tyler then notices the bodies around the living room and the others slowly killing themselves, a few of the stragglers begin to encourage Tyler to do likewise.
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Following a number of his creations killing themselves, and the remaining encouraging Tyler to do the same, Tyler flees upstairs to his bedroom. In his bedroom he is confronted by five women sitting on his bed, they each go into the ways in which he wronged each of them, going into how he selfishly ignored their problems in favour of his own. He gets upset at the mention, asking how he could make it up to them, only for the women to respond by saying that he just has to live with the shitty things, but the one on the far left questions whether he really does, insinuating that he should kill himself, the rest of them laugh and Tyler flees from the room in a worse state than he was before.
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Unsure of where else to go, he hides in the bathroom. In the bath he see's himself, crying as he cuts his own wrists. The lights will flicker and then we see Tyler stood in the dimly lit room holding a blade, contemplating his own suicide.
"Fucking shit god damn it!" Tyler exclaims as the pressure of time begins to press down on him. The knowledge that his story is due in tomorrow, and he has fuck all to hand in. Desperately, he grabs at a discarded Freddo packet. Tyler stares with great intent into the mind of the Freddo, in a ill thought out attempt for some last minute inspiration, as honest a try as it may have been, little Freddbert refuses to give up his secrets of being a well thought out character, with intricate emotional scarring and a developed love triangle, so emotionally taxing, that if anyone were to ever hear of the tale, they would break down immediately into tears, and would eventually die of dehydration. Angrily, Tyler throws the packaging at the wall on the opposite end of his room, only for it to gently flutter down to the carpeting besides his feet. He stares despondently at the packaging, contemplating what his life has become, wondering if he's finally been pushed over the edge by an empty Freddo packet. Deep in contemplation on the best way to end his own life, (not that it comes up again, but he did settle on a toaster in the bath, with a slightly pissy note, opening up on the failings of his own life, and the general disliking of his father, left on his desk.) Tyler fails to notice the lanky mid 18th century detective saunter in through his bedroom door. Gently grasping Tyler around the forehead with fingers spread apart, the detective yanks Tyler's head back, causing his eyelids to come away from their balls, this causes Tyler to let out a slight yelp of pain, followed rather quickly by a rather loud scream upon realising there's suddenly someone in his room and that they're offering a rather peculiar method of introduction, what with all the sneaking up on him and the eyelid stretching.
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Peering down at the now somewhat teary teenager, the detective offers up "A-hoy-hoy" to break the ice, this doesn't go over all that well with Tyler, who screams yet again and runs to the other side of the room and puts on a stance he once saw Bruce Lee do in a movie. I assure you, Bruce pulled it off far better than Tyler. A series of noises leave Tyler's mouth before he finally arrives at "Whothefuwhat, Why are you here?" it wasn't really what he was hoping for. With another attempt he gets out "Please don't murder me." Which doesn't really sound the best, but at least he got across one of his primary goals for the interaction with him and this strange British man.
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Regarding the room with a manic manner, its clear from the get go that the detective is clearly an avid fan of opioids.
"Good god, Tido. It seems we've wandered into the holy land of clues. We may even be able to make it back in time for the Aviator south western in time for their three thirty hour of haddock special."
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Tido stands by the door caressing Tyler's dresser and thumbing through his knitwear socks"Jolly good sir, we may even get a chance to share a jolly good goroveeting with the stewardess with the horror show groodi-" Tido appears to get lost in the eyes of Pingu the penguin on a pair of pink socks Tyler received as a child and is yet to throw out.
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"Dear Penelope... Tido, you're right, there's not time to lose, grab the evidence and lets run for it."
The pair immediately begin to pocket Tyler's possessions, stuffing everything from socks to bongs and a pocket dictionary. Feeling they have sufficient evidence, Tido snaps a pic of the great detective and they bolt for the door. Tyler rushes to stop them, questioning what they're doing, but the great detective smacks him across the cheek and sends him flying onto his bed shouting out
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"Official detective business, no need to concern yourself citizen. Confidential matter. Run Tido, run, Penelope is waiting on us!"
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Scrambling his way off the bed in pursuit of the pair he now suspected to be drug addled, well dressed burglers. However, upon sitting upright, he then noticed a furry midget playing the harmonica sitting on the edge of his bed. Feeling Tyler's movement on the bed, the creature which looked like it may have been a shaved Ewok turned and hissed, and after glaring its nubby teeth, offered a sharp high pitched toot on the harmonica. This, rather understandably took Tyler by horrific surprise, and deciding a pair of smack heads may have the necessary tools to fight the musical Endorian off, he scurried off out of his room, hearing a final violent toot at his expense as he slammed the door behind him.
INT-LIVING ROOM-NIGHT TIME
Tyler calls down the stairs as he half runs, half falls down them. "look, you can keep the dictionary, just keep that bloody thing away from me."
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He thinks himself lucky to catch them before they left, thankfully they decided that Penelope could wait another minute whilst they raid his mothers jewellery bowl. Resembling a pair of 40 year old female Mr Ts, the possible burglars make their way to leave the premise, thanking Tyler for being a helpful citizen of the colonies, and promising him a shiny halfpence for his troubles. Tylers worry of how he would explain the loss of jewellery to his mother quickly solved and then unsolved itself as the door swung open, knocking the themed robbers to the ground, where they were promptly beaten to a pulp by two scousers wielding cricket bats, comforted by the ceased twitching of muscles, the men curse at the puddle of chunks beneath them, high-five and declare another case justly closed.
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Brass: "Well, Tinny. Another one for the file o' 18th century themed, detective posing career criminals we've put away. The fact that he looks nothing like our file photo of the suspect is just further evidence to my excellence."
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Tin: "Aye, sir. I should say we did a bang up job on that one, ey Brasso?
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Brass: "Quite right, Tinny. I dare to say that I may in fact be the greatest detective to have ever lived. Now, to our payment."
Bending to loot the bodies. Tin discovers a rather fancy watch amongst Tido's possessions.
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Tin: "Whoar, Brasso, looka what I've got."
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Brass: "My, my that's quite a nice find Tinny. Though sadly, and it really does pain me to do this. But as your employer, I'm afraid we must get down to the Brass Tax side of the arrangement.
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Dejectedly, Tin hands over the watch.
Tin: "Course sir."
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Brass: "Fret not dear, Tinny. For I've found fitting payment in our fine fellow's trousers.
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Brass smiles politely as he drops the pennies and a button into Tin's outstretched hand.
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Brass: "Bit of a tip there for you too, for being such a good sport this case.
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Tin: "Aye, sir. Thank you, sir."
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Brass: "Right then, Tinny. Now to secure some company funding.""
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The pair skulk off in search of further riches.
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Tyler, somewhat unsure as to what he should do having just witnessed his first murder, and quite the murder at that, stands glued to his comfortable spot at the base foot of the stairs; quite sure that if he avoids moving, all of his problems will solve themselves and move out of the house. Of course, moments later, as Tin and Brass sniff curiously at the catnip they found in a drawer, a horde of trendy teenagers force their way through his home, chanting various halfslurs and nonsense of chickenmen.
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The trail of refuse left behind by the teenagers is what managed to snap Tyler out of his fear induced catatonic state, always the brit, he felt an intense urge to tidy up and politely ask them what they were doing barging through his home at quarter to one in the morning.
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Picking up a few cups and avoiding the used condom on his rug, Tyler makes his way out to the garden, muttering a heroic speech to himself, that he was sure would drive the undesired party goers from his home, and potentially win over a few of the fair maidens with how manly and tough he was aught to sound.
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EXT. TYLER'S GARDEN. NIGHT
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Stepping through the glass doors, left wide open by those passing through- a further irritation- Tyler notices the trail of wires protruding from his kitchen window, leading to the shed at the back of his cluttered garden, beams of light shining through the cracks in the wood, and a large, very noisy group gathered around it, likely making the neighbours hate Tyler more than they already did.
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Politely and timidly, Tyler pushes his way through the crowd of angry, edgy teenagers, making an effort to seem as mild mannered as possible to avoid being punched by one of the many tattooed men. After a few awkward moments, he manages to make his way to the makeshift stage, fashioned out of some children's play mats and bags of compost. Upon seeing the band that led the crowd of of teenagers to make a mess of his carpeting, he is struck by a slight confusion as to how the band managed to draw even a single deaf fan, as even from a glance the band was a clear shambles. The singer fumbled clumsily with his instrument, likely due to the chicken mask obscuring his view as well as the quality of his off key vocals. The drummer seemed to have the same ADD disorder as most drummers, but hadn't taken to using drink to remedy it like the rest, and bashed hastily around the pots, giving no clear time signature to the song. Meanwhile, the bassist appeared to be playing to some imaginary audience of his own, facing the back of the shed and shouting out with an extended hand to point to panels of wood, all the while, a makeshift lighting system of fairy lights flickered out of sync with the song.
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Tyler stood with his mouth agape at what had formed in his shed, seeing this tremendous display of failure somehow made the late night noise disturbance worse. And with a new found sense of embarrassment of what his neighbours may think of him, he shrugged off his polite demeanour. And strode up to the band will all intention of giving them a right stern talking to. This was of course forgotten about when Tyler made his way up to the singer and found himself to merely come up to his chest and that the chickenman did not react whatsoever to what Tyler had figured to be a rather threatening walk. The unwavering stare of the singer, mixed with the manic music and the jeering from the crowd, which now Tyler was unsure as to whether it was at the band's expense or his, kicked the nerves right out of him. And what was supposed to be a commanding demand, came out as a meek request. The surrounding laughter roared, causing Tyler to sink further into himself, wishing he too could hide behind a mask. Offering up one last request that the sound be turned down Tyler slipped away from the stage as the band played on, combating the ironic shouts of enjoyment from the crowd.
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EXT.PIRATE-SHIP.NIGHT TIME
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Making a big show to himself over how he did what anyone would have done, and gave it a damn good try. After all, its not often one finds themselves confronting a band that's decided to throw a show in ones own garden. His attempts to recuperate some lost self esteem are forgotten when he finds a band of pirates taking turns at being the captain of his mother's wooden pirate ship.
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The pirates appear to have split the pirate stereotypes between them as one has a hook, one a parrot, one that speaks entirely in 'arrgs' and one that bafflingly has two eye-patches. They are each however dressed rather flamboyantly, donning garments of glaring colours, befitting of a maritime cyclist. Whilst one acts as captain, the others hide within the depths of the 'deck'. This odd display serves as entertainment enough to cause Tyler to forget about his sulking, watching the group trade off roles giddily. That is until the one with the parrot calls out an invisible rock too late and the nonexistent collision causes him to fly off the boat and into oblivion. The sudden loss of their captain sends the remaining trio into a frenzy of mutinous screams of half arsed pirateering of the other and angry Args, resulting in a sudden three way bloody and brutal murder, which rather understandably puts a stand still on Tyler's good mood at the pirates behalf.
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It is at this point that a workplace injury lawyer appears before Tyler to take a witness statement from him.
Ted Nugent: Extending a hand in the most formal manner possible, the lawyer introduces himself.
"Theodore Nugent, no relation or affiliation to the singer, injury at work lawyer for all things maritime."
Tyler: "Uuuh, Tyler Clarke- student of... film... studies?"
TN: "Am I correct in assuming that you bore witness to this case of malicious brutalising with class C and H armaments?" (Cutlass and Hook)
Tyler moves to make an quizzical, yet still affirmative 'uuhhh' noise, but Nugent was a pro and knew waiting for Tyler to actually answer his questions would just slow the investigation down.
TN: "- So of course with this happening in your port, you shall be expected to pay the towing fee and take care of the funeral arrangements should the departed's next of kin be unavailable or estranged. I'll have my people send a letter in 2-3 working days detailing what your involvement is to entail."
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As Tyler stands with his mouth agape, the lawyer descends to the lower deck of the ship and out of sight. After a brief moment of contemplation, Tyler decides its probably best to ignore what he just saw, lest he get dragged into some lengthy court case that he can't really afford the energy or funds to be a part of. He just hoped that the incident happening in his back garden wouldn't affect him.
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INT. GROUND FLOOR ROOMS. NIGHT
Tyler carefully closes the sliding door behind himself as he enters the house, so distracted by the incident outside that he does not immediately notice the ensemble of drug addicts, armature detectives, quack doctors, a hippy drum circle, who's members take it in turns to sob through fake smiles, emo teenagers and a cowboy openly discussing the various key steps to creating a quality campfire stew to no one in particular. Seeming to accept that this was nothing more than either a rather strange dream he shall go onto tell his therapist about, or his mental state had deteriorated to the point that he would no longer require a therapist, and should simply enjoy the delusions, Tyler decided to take a seat by the least threatening member of the home invaders; the culinary cowboy.
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KITCHEN SIDE SHOT
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Off in the kitchen a man in a hospital gown can be seen slumped against the washing machine holding a pill bottle and one of the emo teenagers is hunched over the counter top drawing bad manga panels as a tall, colourfully dressed man talks to him.
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INT-LIVING ROOM- NIGHT
Situating himself next to the cowboy, the stetsonned man quickly seizes his opportunity for a captive audience and opens up enthusiastically about the contents of a quality stew.
CC:"Well now howdy, partner. Now I'd be damned if you ain't a beef n' onion gravy kind o guy."
Tyler: "What?-"
CC: "Hell I knew it, but I bet you've never had yourself a real beef stew. Not one o' them Preston whip-up deaks. Nah, what I'm talking about is braised beef, at least 5 hours, at least, now I tell you at least. You leave that baby in there another 5 hours and man, have you got a stew going. But, and listen close to this one feller, cause this ain't common speak around the campfires round this frontier, this be Zachariah's speciality.
Tyler: Nods and smiles politely
CC: "Y'see, the less experienced camp cooks ignore the veg and the gravy, but I say they're what make the stew. By caramelising your onions first, you bring out their natural sugars, which reall-"
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Scott, the formerly unseen junkie suddenly interrupts the cowboys lesson on gravy with demands for 'Mary'. Scott writhes his way around the side of the sofa, clawing at his face and yelling out that Mary returns to him his final cigarette. Scott attempts to snatch hold of Tyler's leg but fails to reach him, causing Tyler to recoil his legs and watch in horror as Scott begins to scream out for Mary and clawing at his face with such fury as to draw blood.
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The drum circle crowding the bottom of the stairs began to increase the intensity of their beat following the departure of Tin and Brass, who moments ago reappeared from the front garden, now wearing leis and offering them to members of the circle as a guise to steal their jewellery. Content with the contents of their tracksuit pockets, the pair offered up a brief courtesy and ran out the front door, grabbing a bongo on the way out a deftly skipping over the bodies of their earlier victims. The monotonous swell of the drum beat fills the living room, and the circle begins to cry more openly, with some members curling up in their own arms to sob.
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Garden-Night
The crowd appears to have dispersed from the shed and the music has stopped, though the flickering lights remain. In the brief moments of light, the illuminated bodies of the young teens can be spotted at various locations across the garden and the body of the singer can be seen hanging from the tree at the back of the garden. The garden is silent, and through the sliding door, Tyler can be seen shifting anxiously as the pounding beat of the drum begins to get to him. The lights in the kitchen and the other surrounding rooms have went out, leaving only the light in the living room.
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Living Room
Through the darkness the colourfully dressed man approaches Tyler. With a genial smile and the offer of a drink, the man has Tyler's attention immediately. A red hue takes over the room the moment the man breaks through the darkness, and everyone else in the house freezes in place, which due to Tyler's sudden infatuation with the man, he does not notice. Noticing the twitching junkie blocking his path to Tyler, the man kneels down and whispers something to Scott, who crawls around to the side of the sofa. The man then sends the cowboy away to make room for him to sit down next to Tyler, Zachariah wanders into the darkness and through to the unseen kitchen. Tyler gladly accepts the drink from the man and guzzles it down and is instantly handed another.
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Man: "Hey man, nice place you've got up here. Really is quite the crowd you've got over too, all manner of folk over. That a drum circle? But look at you, man all this and you right at the centre of it all. You not going to drink that? It's good."
Tyler: "Oh, yeah, sorry." Tyler laughs and drinks some more.
"It's Nice."
Man: "Told you" The man laughs. "Aught to help some too. All these interesting people and you're off on the sofa talking about- what was it, gravy?-" The man laughs again "Ah well, I suppose you never were really one for parties were you. Not like Scott here, he's got it all figured out, ain't that right, Scott? Oh, I just realised I never gave you another drink, can't leave you wanting."
Tyler: "Oh, no it's alright I don't really drink tha-"
Man: "Nonsense, come on its a party. It'll help you loosen up a little."
Tyler: Smiling "Oh alright, then, go on."
Man: "There you go, you'll be right as rain in no time, here, have a smoke too.
Tyler accepts without argument.
Man: Looking around the room. "Still seeing a few of the old friends about here. They still bugging you the same? Drink up man, come on, enjoy yourself a little." The man says with a smile. "You know you don't have to keep them around if you don't want to. You can just fix it. Ah don't look at me like that man, you know what I mean. Come on, its easy. Few more of those and it won't even be much of a thought. Wouldn'-
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Scott starts spluttering down by the side of the sofa, drawing the attention of Tyler away from the man. Leaning over the side, he see's Scott shaking with a belt around his arm and blood coming from his nose, his vacant eyes starting out at Tyler. Tyler jumps off the sofa and stares down at Scott who slowly stops convulsing, at which point Tyler notices the silence.
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Tyler: "What the fuck?" Tyler exclaims as he looks around the room, noticing that the others have ceased their peculiar actions, frozen in place.
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The floor is littered with empty cans and bottles, cigarette butts pepper the carpet. Tyler notes that a number of the silence from outside, glancing out at the garden and noticing the party-goers sprawled out across the garden in the flickers of light. Turning his attention to the living room, he notices that a number of those from the drum circle are laid out on the ground with pools of liquid spilling out from beneath them. Those remaining turn towards Tyler, drawing blades and slicing their wrists.
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Group: "It's easy, you'll see. It'll help." They calmly say before collapsing to the ground.
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The man makes his way from the sofa to Tyler, embracing him from behind.
Man: " Come on man, its not that bad. You've thought about it, you know it'd help. I cou-"
Pushing himself free from the man's grasp, Tyler finds himself in the centre of the deceased drum circle. [All those that had perished come to join the man (I DON'T LIKE THIS, as I feel like it detracts from the meaning of having parts of himself slowly killed off and isolating only the depression. However, having the joyous parts of oneself dwindled away and becoming just hollow memories could serve to further the apathetic feelings which add to the suicidal tendencies)] Perhaps it could be that the room flashes over to the filthy real world, showing that Tyler has been alone for some time, and the man could gesture that what is there to be gained from not doing it, that the only one to be hurt by this decision is himself, that it would only serve to help him alleviate his problems. Either way, the room should be seeming to close in on him (metaphorically speaking) and forcing him to put another moment of thought into the decision and the beckoning arms of the man, which will cause Tyler to flee upstairs.
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staring off at the man, who is smiling with welcoming arms outstretched. Tyler flees upstairs.
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INT-BEDROOM-NIGHTTIME
Hurrying inside the room, Tyler bolts the door behind himself. Turning at the sound of hushed giggling, Tyler notices that perched on the edge of his bed are five women, each laughing to themselves, though their eyes shine with malicious contempt. Tyler averts his eyes as the women glare at him, the mere sight of them is enough to atrophy his desire to flee, and accept the ineluctable point the man was making. Visibly defeated, the women, through mirthless smiles begin to deride Tyler for past actions. Teasing him about ways to make up for all his wrong doings, alluding to him ending it. (THIS IS MORE FOR ME) Currently I'm struggling to fill this part out. I had it the other night, but wasn't at this point so I didn't write it down. This is because I'm an idiot - though I may also simply lack the skills to write scenes adequately.
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INT-BATHROOM-NIGHT TIME
Desperately seeking refuge from his thoughts and the malign characters inhibiting his house, Tyler resigns to his bathroom. The dim lighting cast gloomy shadows along the walls. In the bath, an imitation Tyler sits crying, slicing his wrists with a razor. Lights flicker and fade as Tyler catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, seeing a haggered reflection. Cutting back to Tyler we see him wearing old, tattered clothing in the bathtub with water up to his neck holding a razor. Through the door, the colourful man can be heard.
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Man: "It won't take long. Once its done its done, you won't have to worry about anything anymore. You know this will be for the best, right?"
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The room darkens around Tyler as he contemplates what is to come. The screen goes black as we look on at Tyler, deep in contemplation.
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-Rewrite the last part as intended. The band is a shambles, nothing more than a pipe dream on show, with a jeering crowd. Though the band is unwavering in their malcrafted art. Tyler shares a silent moment with the primary artist. Perhaps respecting the pride in what is his, but nonetheless requires it turned down. Remove the input of a neighbour, merely imply it. This is after all, all simply in Tyler's head. And he is confronting his embodied hope in his shed as his anxiety drowns out the thought of pursuing his dreams.
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A barrage of young teens should push their way through the front door and out to the back, making a ruckus the full way through the house, being brushed aside by each of them, Tyler is only able to follow them through to the back garden after they've all made it out the house. He notices Scott writhing around on the sofa, desperately calling out to 'Mary' but decides to leave that situation alone.
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Making his way out the back door, he hears the teens chanting out the name 'Chickenhead' and notices the fluorescent lighting coming from his shed, and the long trail of wires leading from his house to the shed.
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Pushing his way past the concert goers, Tyler interrupts Chickenhead's performance of Tool's Schism, (or some edgy indie stuff). Tyler attempts to speak against Chicken Head himself, only for the band to keep playing as though he wasn't there. Its only when Tyler steps up onto the makeshift stage to discuss the dangers of noise complaints from the neighbours, that the band stops, aside from the bassist who keeps going on his own little musical tangent. After a prolonged intimidating staring match, accompanied by dread filled bass lines, Tyler backs down simply adding a small hand gesture to turn it down a smidgen as to not feel like he completely lost.
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Heading back to the house, trying to convince himself he won the argument a little because he felt the music was now quieter, despite it obviously being a tad louder, he notices a group of flamboyant pirates taking turn at being captain of the wooden pirate ship in his back garden, each one having a few seconds to shout out orders and directions as the others crouch beneath the deck built for children. Tyler stops to watch in bewilderment at the peculiar event, somewhat enjoying the show, up until they hit an imaginary rock, which sends one pirate overboard, and the others into a blood rage where they hack each other to death. At this point, a workplace injury lawyer arrives and advises Tyler to move along, before climbing aboard the vessel.
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Back inside the house, Scott can be seen crawling around the floor as Tin and Brass examine the sky box, in the kitchen a grown man is crying by the washing machine and someone dressed colourfully is talking to a teenager by the oven. A small sermon is being given by a fat teenager in an anime shirt by the stairs, not really wanting to interfere, Tyler takes a seat on the sofa next to a cowboy talking about the best campfire stews to no one in particular, that is at least until Tyler joins him.
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For a minute or so, Tyler begins to enjoy himself, sat chatting- well, mainly listening but still- with the culinary cowboy, he doesn't hear music peter out to nothing, or notice the lights begin to dim. It's only when the cowboy stops talking and stares through Tyler to something off in the dining room that Tyler realises the change of atmosphere across the house. Everyone has stopped talking, and a dark air has taken over the room, everyone in the living room is turned to face the dining room. Tyler strains to see what it is that's frozen everyone in place, but its too dark to make anything out, fear slowly takes Tyler. Cut to outside to show bodies hung from the trees and a number of corpses leaking out from the band's shed, focus on the house in the background where Tyler is visible through the glass doors.
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Through the darkness, the colourfully dressed man walks over to Tyler, offering a hand to Scott who is huddled down by the side of the sofa next to Tyler, after helping Scott and exchanging a quick work, the colourful man takes a seat next to Tyler, shooing away the cowboy who retreats to the kitchen. The colourful man offers Tyler a drink and lights up a cigarette, extending another to Tyler who accepts. The man opens up a playful dialogue, which has Tyler hanging on every word, and joins in happily. As this goes on, a number of the characters in the background walk out and as time goes on, those remaining begin to harm themselves, Scott begins to choke on vomit as he overdoses which drags Tyler away from his talk with the man, beginning to fret, the man attempts to calm Tyler by filling his cup and offering another cigarette, strangely comforted by the offer, Tyler does calm down a little, but Scott's continuing splutters divide his attention, which prevents the man from entirely taking control as he begins to talk of the peace that Scott now feels, and begins to encourage things of such nature. Tyler looks to Scott who has ceased moving, Tyler then notices the bodies around the living room and the others slowly killing themselves, a few of the stragglers begin to encourage Tyler to do likewise.
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Following a number of his creations killing themselves, and the remaining encouraging Tyler to do the same, Tyler flees upstairs to his bedroom. In his bedroom he is confronted by five women sitting on his bed, they each go into the ways in which he wronged each of them, going into how he selfishly ignored their problems in favour of his own. He gets upset at the mention, asking how he could make it up to them, only for the women to respond by saying that he just has to live with the shitty things, but the one on the far left questions whether he really does, insinuating that he should kill himself, the rest of them laugh and Tyler flees from the room in a worse state than he was before.
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Unsure of where else to go, he hides in the bathroom. In the bath he see's himself, crying as he cuts his own wrists. The lights will flicker and then we see Tyler stood in the dimly lit room holding a blade, contemplating his own suicide.
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